On Sun, Oct 20, 2019 at 10:13 PM Pete Brennan <oneearthphotography@gmail.com> wrote:
Hi folks,
Deep in the land of peace, relaxation, great rugby with a yearning for kareoke bars in the days to come !
Here is a copy of my diary entry from mum s last day.
Love you all.
Pete
—
Well today was the day, unexpected, unplanned and gone too soon.
Mum, dad and i had a tough night last night, mum restless, uncomfortable, i went into mum s bedroom 6 times throughout the night, helping with turns, commode visits with the new hoist. we started mum off on oral morphine , gave two small doses 6 hrs apart, effective in relieving discomfort. Mum asking for dr barry to come around in am, dad called the palliative care nurse around too, desire was for us to start getting a palliative care nurse in at nights, the strain on dad evident. He s been up every hour for the last month or so, a caring loving attentive partner. Dr.. Barry, liam and i all decided that we d start mum off on sub cutaneous continuous infusion of morphine,metoclopramide, midazolam to help keep mum comfortable. We all concur that mum likely only has 2-3 days left.
All morning mum was reasonably coherent, able to voice her concerns, interact in conversation all be it with a weakened voice and calm demeanor. It was obvious that the pain in RUQ quadrant was increasing, “oh liam hurry up” as we waited for him to set infusion pump up and connect. Mum started to settle shortly after starting sc infusion, more at peace, less agitated.
When i left her at one stage to go and make breakfast, she requested that i stay, “i dont want to be alone. ” , a sign that she knew things were changing. I stayed with mum all morning and afternoon, holding her hand, stroking her left arm, caressing her skin, combing her hair, keeping her comfortable.
The priest, Father Peoples, came in unannounced and had not been scheduled that day …..a sign of things to come? He apologised for being late, he d just flown in from visiting israel & mt carmel, a lovely guy, jovial, spirited. Knew mum and osullivans well it seemed and commented how her name carmel was chosen by her mother all those years ago….mum replied in jest, a cheeky smile across her face, that it was actually her father who decided her name, a full belly laugh from the priest as he d never had anyone answer back in his 30+ years of annointing parishioners.
Shortly after priest left, i am curious about mum s thoughts on reincarnation.
wondering what mum would choose to come back as, whats your spirit animal mum?
through a weak voice and lip reading i struggle to make out the words….did you say a leopard ? …..mum are you sure a leopard.
a few awkward pauses….a lion ?…are you sure mum, are we going through the big 5 here?
Mum’s frustration mounting as im clearly misinterpreting her words, with all the courage/energy she can muster…she says a robin.
All makes sense now, that was grandad s spirit animal too.
I sit next to her in silence, clasping her left hand, stroking her arm. She looks beautiful, serene, at peace.
Mum s slipping down the bed, her frame skin and bones, propped up by pillows, a hudsons bay blanket covering all. I call dad in for what would be our last position change for mum, laying mum flat using electric bed, a wince came across her face, she hated laying flat, we hoist her gently up the bed on slider sheets, then as we raise the bed back up to 45 degrees, 2 tears run down mums cheeks, dad leans over and wipes them with a tissue, the tears flowing ourselves. To this day mum had rarely cried throughout this ordeal, finding an inner strength and peace.
Stroking mums left arm, holding her left hand, mum is relaxed, at peace, respirations regular.
I start reading first chapter of mum s book, the pleasure seekers. My head and thoughts buried in new book, mum turns and announces what would turn out to be her last words, “its time to set sail on my sail boat now”……i do a double take, my heart sinks to my feet and mum confirms that she s ready to get on her sail boat now….i add in that ill be right there beside her on my kite “carmel of the sea”, sailing high above, protecting her out into the bay, onto the next leg on her journey in life.
Mum smiles, at peace, grips my hand.
1510? – respirations are slightly moist, rate about 16, a slight wet crackle there, so i head into the kitchen to pick up the the med kit to try some robinul, to reduce secretions and help mums breathing. I order a grilled cheese sandwich from kev as i havent eaten all day, running on caffeine.
I am out of mum s room for just a few minutes. I head back in, place the med kit on dads bed and start clarifying orders, checking doses and concentrations, drawing up the meds into a syringe for mum. I look over my shoulder at mum, a feabled rise of the chest then nothing, 5 sec pause then another shorter respiration. I call out to dad and kev “mums taking her last breaths.” We all gather around, holding mums hand, kevin cradling her head as she takes her last breaths.
i listen to the last flickers of her heart with my stethescope, the heart that gave me life and everything i know, beats no more. A profound moment.
Keara is so unfortunately not around the bedside, she will be devastated, tom arrived in dublin yesterday and mum encouraged her to spend the night at a hotel near dublin, keara really needed a break, she s been with mum 24/7 over the last month or so, caring for mum, her own 2 yr old daisy and nurturing a 4 mth old in the womb, what a legend.
Keara had a meaningful goodbye yesterday, expressing thanks for all mum has done for her. Mum insistent that keara go get some r&r for the night, “i hope dad’s paying”
Maybe it was mum s gift to keara, 24 hrs to recharge for the difficult days ahead.
Dad, kev and i spend 15 mins or so with mum, alone, just being with her, grieving, no need to call barry, lets just be in the moment here. I lay mum flat, align all limbs and close mum s eyes for the last time. Kevin tenderly holds mums jaw closed, wanting to avoid an open mouthed wake!
The rest of the day is quite a blur….barry officially announces death, keara returns home, a loud wailing from deep within, kev and i hold her in our arms. Undertaker arrives, clothing and make up chosen, mum whisked off to the morgue to be prepared for burial, this is all so surreal, this is mum who i thought would be around forever.
A beautiful family -1 sunset walk along the beach, donegal drizzle, barbed wire fence hopping, daisy smiling through it all.
A curry and a few glasses of wine later, mum arrives back looking just as beautiful and serene as she left, in a flowery blouse, blue neck scarf all in a beautiful wicker basket. Carmel brennan, 70 years.
A toast to mum, sauvignon blanc of course, recaps on the day, the feelings, the tears flowing freely, a whisky to end the night, failing to numb the disbelief that we are here today, gathered around the most amazing woman, that gave us life and so many memories along the way.
I love you mum, a kiss on her forehead, good night, see you in the morning.
